Merry Christmas. Went to church today. Unfortunately, my parents decided to be late…again. I…dislike…going to church late. [sigh] Whatever. I don’t feel right man. What the hell. Depression catching up to me. We got there late. It was packed, so had to stand in the back. Found a seat and then realized that I’d managed to break a family in half. My ears were burning. Listened to the Christmas choir. I know I don’t want to do any performance arts. Never. They should also [perhaps – a suggestion] teach the children’s choir not to scream. Sing. Not scream. So, the question is – what made me depressed? You want the answer. You’ll get the answer…in my own special way. I dunno what to say man. I am the consumate outsider. No where have I ever gone and fit in. It must be something about me. Something I’ve done, or said. Dunno what. It bothers me. It bothers me a lot. Everyone’s in a group – except me. Man don’t I feel like an outsider. I’m troubled. I know I shouldn’t care – but I can’t help it. It shouldn’t matter if they accept me or not. But it does matter – and it does hurt. Yeah..screw it right. Easier said than done. Its a part of me now. Only one person even bothers to talk to me – and I’ll remember that. I appreciate the trouble they took. They had the opportunity to go elsewhere but they didn’t. On a completey unrelated note. You know the only way to stop wanting something so badly is to stop thinking about it. Cause the more you think about it, the higher it is on your mind. The higher it is in your priority list. The key to not want something is to forget about it. Completely. Except its hard. Replace it with something else. So impossible to do so… If only. I know what I have to do. Dear Lord, give me the strength. Shoeveled the driveway today. Scraped the thing c..l..e..a..n. Took a long ass time. The thing is huge – and a lot of frigging snow. Punishing myself. I am a bastard. Useless.
Christmas 2002
C