In winter 2004, I better understood human behavior. My behavior.
I understood that depressions is a “prolonged negative deviation from one’s average mood”. I understood that I wasn’t clinically depressed. It’s just that my average was – is – lower.
Was I relieved? …No…
It’s so hard to explain, but let me try. When you’re dealing with something you can name, it’s real. Identifiable. It can be described, studied, understood, even solved. I… I simply have a “lower average mood”. It’s nothing. Nothing.
Yet I’ve structured my life to contain it as much as possible. Contain it, suppress it, avoid it.